Most of us think of agreeableness as an admirable personality trait. After all, agreeable people are kind, considerate, cooperative, and empathetic. They care about others' feelings and strive for harmony in their relationships. What could be wrong with that?
It turns out that agreeableness, like most personality traits, can be a double-edged sword when taken to an extreme. While being agreeable certainly has its benefits, it can also pose some very real risks when taken too far.
To understand why, let's back up and look at agreeableness in the context of the Big Five, the most widely used model of personality traits today. The Big Five personality model proposes that human personality can be boiled down to five core dimensions:
- Openness to experience (imaginative vs. practical)
- Conscientiousness (organized vs. easygoing)
- Extraversion (outgoing vs. reserved)
- Agreeableness (compassionate vs. challenging)
- Neuroticism (anxious vs. emotionally stable)
Everyone falls somewhere on the spectrum of each trait. Agreeableness captures the extent to which a person is trusting, altruistic, compliant, modest and tender-minded. People high in agreeableness value getting along with others. They are considerate, willing to compromise their interests to please others, and believe that people are mostly honest and well-intentioned.
So what could be the downside of being a "people pleaser"? Here are some of the key risks:
- Trouble saying "no". Highly agreeable people dislike conflict and confrontation. As a result, they often have difficulty turning down requests, setting boundaries, or standing up for themselves when something doesn't feel right. A fear of disappointing others can lead them to take on more than they can handle.
- Susceptibility to manipulation. The trusting nature and optimistic worldview of highly agreeable folks can sometimes blind them to the fact that not everyone has good intentions. They may give the benefit of the doubt even when someone has proven to be untrustworthy. This gullibility makes them easier targets for manipulation, deception and exploitation.
- Suppressing own needs & opinions. Since keeping the peace is the top priority for highly agreeable people, they may minimize or hide their own views, preferences and emotions if they think expressing them could rock the boat. Over time, constantly deferring to others erodes a strong sense of self.
- Difficulty with constructive criticism. While their tactful, gentle communication style is usually a strength, it can be a liability in situations that call for tough, direct feedback. An agreeable manager will beat around the bush when an underperforming employee needs clear, specific guidance on how to improve. Constructive criticism is harder to hear, but more valuable.
- Avoiding necessary conflict. Let's face it - some degree of conflict is inevitable and even healthy in relationships. Highly agreeable people are conflict-avoidant to a fault. They may tolerate mistreatment or unhealthy dynamics far longer than they should because they keep hoping things will magically get better without a confrontation.
None of this is to say that being agreeable is a bad thing. The key is to strive for a healthy balance between being a doormat and being a jerk. Even someone with a naturally agreeable personality can learn to be a little more assertive, a little more skeptical, and a little more self-aware.
How to know if you're overly agreeable
Being overly agreeable isn't always obvious, especially to the agreeable person themselves, since they tend to focus on others more than themselves. However, there are some telltale signs that your agreeableness may be veering into unhealthy territory. Let's break it down:
- You have a hard time saying "no". Do you find yourself taking on tasks, favors or invitations that you don't really have the time, energy or desire for, just because you feel bad turning others down? Overly agreeable people often overextend themselves and neglect self-care because they hate disappointing anyone.
- You rarely express your own opinions, preferences or needs. In conversations and decision-making, do you tend to automatically defer to what others want without even considering your own perspective? While compromise is great, completely submerging your own voice to keep the peace is a sign that your agreeableness has gone too far.
- You feel resentful or taken for granted. This is an important one. Overly agreeable people often end up feeling used because they give and give without getting much reciprocation. If you often find yourself stewing about how much you do for others and how little you get in return, your people-pleasing tendencies may be burning you out.
- You struggle to give critical feedback. Do you avoid telling others things they may not want to hear, even when it's for their own good? Overly agreeable folks usually shy away from any communication that could potentially upset someone. But constantly couching the truth to spare others' feelings can veer into dishonesty.
- You're an easy target for manipulation. Has your trusting nature ever been exploited by someone with ulterior motives? Manipulators can sniff out overly agreeable people and take advantage of their kind, non-confrontational nature. If you often feel railroaded into things, your high agreeableness may be blinding you to others' real intentions.
- You stay in toxic situations to avoid conflict. Agreeable to a fault, you may tolerate mistreatment or unhealthy dynamics because rocking the boat feels scarier than putting up with the status quo. But avoiding necessary conflict often allows toxicity to worsen over time.
Of course, you can also take our free Big Five personality test and see how your Agreeableness compares with the average test taker to get a more quantifiable sense of how agreeable you are.
How to maintain healthier boundaries
If you recognize yourself in some of these patterns, don't beat yourself up. Your agreeable nature is a wonderful strength! You likely bring a lot of kindness and harmony to those around you. The key is learning to balance your focus on others' needs with advocating for your own. Here are some tips to maintaining healthier boundaries:
- Practice saying "no" when you're overextended. It gets easier with repetition!
- Trust your gut if something seems off about a person or situation, even if you can't pinpoint why.
- Make a habit of checking in with yourself. What are YOUR wants and needs in this situation?
- When giving constructive criticism, be specific, focus on behaviors rather than the person, and reiterate your good intentions.
- Remember that some conflict is necessary for growth. Don't fear it - learn to navigate it with grace.
With self-awareness and practice, those with an agreeable nature can enjoy the many benefits of their big-hearted personality while avoiding the pitfalls of being "too nice." A healthy dose of agreeableness, tempered with a splash of assertiveness, is a winning combination.